If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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