Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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