her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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