I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
