6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
