Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The best revenge is premature balding
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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