walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
