Quick, to the slutcave!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
