I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
