so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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