you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
