I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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