Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
