I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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