Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
