Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
