the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
