Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
