Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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