So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
