So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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