Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
