Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
