A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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