I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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