he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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