Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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