im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
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Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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