I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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