My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
