So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
