so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
