in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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