Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
