just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can tuck mytits in my pants
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Four minutes until I can fart!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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