it wasn't lemon gatorade
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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