If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
