Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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