3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
