i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
