My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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