I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
