The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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