If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
