I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
