ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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