I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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