have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
