I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
