Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
