Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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