Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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