So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
