handjob tips. give me some.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
