I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
