Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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