Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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