hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
